More Bloggedy-Blog...

Living in Vancouver has definitely been a ride. Things are constantly going from one direction to the next... and just when I'm gotten a grasp of what has come my way... I get something else thrown my way where I'm like:"The hell?! How am I going to deal with THIS now?!"

I think I may have asked for it. I don't just settle... I push for more... I keep going for what I want and if I don't feel good about something, I do something about it... I don't let it slide or think that this is the best it's going to get. I guess that comes with constant changes as I keep pushing for bigger and better things. However the harder I push, I get to deal with even more complicated situations. But I'm too stubborn to say:"Ok, I'll back off" Is that wrong?

I guess I have high expectations of myself... but at the same time I believe that I will be able to achieve my expectations. I don't want to look back and go:"Ok... I slowed down... but I wish I didn't give up."

Call me a dreamer. But at least I'll keep trying to get EXACTLY what I want.

Was at the studio this weekend... working on another song for the album. I met one of the Assistants that is training at Fadermaster ... Spencer... and he's officially my most favorite person!! He definitely made the work fun!! If you don't believe me, then have a look at these videos...

Contemplative

life is just a journey of managing the bad and hopefully getting in some good in between it all

A friend of mine said that today... I guess in response to how I've been feeling lately.

Writing songs, getting shit out, can sometimes stir up the shit even more and make me feel a bit down and melancholy. But when I get in that state, I just sit at my piano and let it out... and I feel centered again... then I reflect on what I just wrote... and back I go again.

It's a pretty crazy journey right now. I am creating and writing and I love it - but I guess it's not out there yet for everyone to hear... I know it will get there, but I have this desire to inspire and share my journey with everyone out there, and hopefully connect with mostly everyone and help them through their journey. Being who I am can be a bit lonely, and I tend to go inside myself and lost in my thoughts ... and in one way, it can get me sad, but then on the flipside I write an awesome song about it. A lot of songs are reflecting things that have happened in my life. Not all good. Then this great thing comes out of it, a song. I would play it for a friend or two and it would be one of the most amazing songs they've heard...

It's definitely something that keeps me going in this crazy journey. I know somehow I'm connecting to people with my songs. And it pushes me to grow even more and find other ways to connect... I'm already planning my live shows, when I get things going with the band, it's going to be more than just coming to any normal show, I'm definitely animated when I'm up on stage and I'm a different person up there so the shows are going to be something else I'm going to use to connect to people.

That's why it's been lonely... I don't really connect with people normally - through talking... LOL! But I guess that's why I am still doing music, it's what keeps me grounded somehow and I know that people that do hear it are somewhat knowing who I really am.

I've had a hard time showing who I am normally in a typical social setting. It's weird... I guess it's because I see so many people tangled in their social fabric and they are not real. And it's hard for me to be real in return. Or when I am real and honest about how I feel, it makes them feel weird and they don't want to deal with someone who's wearing her heart on her sleeve. I feel like sometimes people are in their state of "happy" and not really dealing with what's inside. But then again, some people don't really have an outlet like I do.

I just want to be able to connect with everyone one common ground - that ground to me is my music. I feel I've been struggling with having that true connection with someone or anyone, and I feel that this way - through performing, singing, playing my piano - will maybe have someone see the real me and see that I am something more through the social fabric.

I've been contemplative lately, as you can tell, and I know it's because I'm going to have my first gig as the main act at the Wired Monk and it's all my original stuff and I'm basically putting my heart on a platter for everyone. And I'm nervous. I just hope that I'll connect with at least one person in that audience. We'll see...

A series of changes... abrupt but nice

Well it's been an interesting time that is for sure!!

After being abruptly let go from work (yeah, LOOOOONG story which I would be happy to share via email if anyone is interested), I have had time to enjoy my time off until I start training for new jobs next week. Yay for severance pay (again, will be glad to share!)

I actually experienced what it was like to just hang out at home and do things just for me. For almost two years I was working making everyone's life easier, and didn't have enough time to care for myself. And now I have that pleasure. I can sit and focus on me. It's good.

So what's next? Well been writing more tunes, auditioning for a band this weekend to do shows around the city, new jobs, new beginnings. The summer is coming to an end, it went by way too quickly, but I feel like the end of the summer is like a fresh start. You can use the fall to focus more on yourself.

Anyhow, that is all for now.

Boohurns... Part 2

I don't know... these could be a few signs...

1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2) You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3) The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4) Your significant other is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5) You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-###-####."
6) Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7) You're convinced there's a God and He's male.
8) You're counting down the days until menopause.
9) You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10) The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Boohurns...

Weird... weird mood... I'm restless, wanting to be busy but not wanting to do anything at the same time. Want to just sleep this day away but don't want to miss anything at the same time. I'm a bit down. I don't know why. It's a curl up on your couch with a hot coco day. Although I'm drinking tea, that works too. I want to just cuddle up with that special someone and mope while he tells me everything will be ok. I'm just feeling down I guess. I hate it when you just feel down for no reason. Nothing bad happened at all. I have great things going on. I feel stagnant. I just finished school and now I have nothing to do. The piano is just a few feet away from me... but I don't want to touch it. I could sing for a bit. But I would rather just be on my blog right now typing about how I have nothing to do. I want my family here... I want to be with my brothers and my mom and dad. But they are all in different places of the world. I'm sad. I'm lonely... why lonely? I have someone in my life who constantly makes me laugh and I know cares for me. I don't know. For some reason I just don't feel special today... *le sigh*

Mope mope mope...

Oh wait, it's PMS.

Putting my hands up in air to feel the breeze...

What an interesting month... Things have definitely taken a turn in my life. And really it's all for the better. I have never been so challenged before. No one has even made me take a closer look at myself and realize that maybe the way I do things can be improved - not that I'm being asked to change... not at all - but I never knew that someone could indirectly encourage you to make some positive changes within yourself. I have learned so far that I do have choice on how I react to things... and I'm learning that I have been quite an impulsive and sensitive person (not the best combination), always looking for the negative in things and only NOW I'm taking a closer look at that and realizing that I need to enjoy the ride more. I have been so focused on what has gone wrong and I need to focus more on what's going on now... and I'm lucky. Very lucky. Thank you so much. I'm very happy now.

Inner Thoughts of the Scary and Damaged...

Argh... I'm so annoyed with people. Ever since I have started living the single life (which has not progressed to anything spectacular, let me tell you)... I'm having a closer look at who's in my life right now and I'm just sick and tired of the fakeness that happens around me. Or of people who say they are there but they just don't really reach out... they just say that and when you finally decide to open up they make the whole situation about them. They say stuff like:"Oh. Welcome to my life a week ago... blah blah blah (tell me a 20 minute story about them that basically removes focus on what I wanted to talk about)" or "Well, I totally know what you're talking about." "Really?" "Well, not really... but that's life. You'll be fine." AAAAAARGH!
At the same time, I just don't want to talk to people because all I'm thinking about these days is how I don't know who I am these days because for the first 5 years of my 20s... I was in a marriage-like relationship, defining who I was in that relationship. I have no clue who I am without Andrew sometimes. I think I do, but I fall back and realize that I am even more confused without him. So pathetic I know! No one wants to hear this shit, no one wants to listen to me talk about it. So here you go Blogspot... enjoy... Grey's Anatomy puts this feeling in two very distinct categories with which I indentify myself with quite well... The Scary and Damaged as well as the Dark and Twisted. Hooray for McTherapy!

Running on Caffeine Fumes...

Yes I have been really bad lately at posting a new blog. Mainly because I have no life right now. I go to school during the day from Monday to Friday... then I work nights Wednesday to Saturday, and I work Sunday Brunch. So I'm one tired chikkita my friends!! Really tired. I have no days off. And I was just talking to my manager last night and she's in dire need of help with the new restaurant opening up on Commercial Drive so I have offered to help whenever I can. Which was probably not the best choice for my health but after seeing her stress so much last night I just need to help her out 'coz I know what it can be like. Whenever I do have moment to myself, I sleep, to restore my energy for either work, or homework, or heck, simply because I have nothing left. The constant flow of caffeine running through veins is starting to lose it's effect... whether it'd be tea or coffee... it's just not working anymore. So sleep... must sleep.

I'm also trying to organize my move to Toronto. Yes... I am moving to Ontario. It just makes sense right now. My parents are nearby, they will be in Ottawa, and after being there over the holidays I realized that it's probably best that I am close by because I was hit with the harsh reality that they are not going to be around much longer. Their health is starting to catch up with them too. I also have so many friends from different times of my life that seem to have all congregated in the big smoke, and that is another bonus. Also I want to go back to school for Sound Production, and the schools in Toronto are half the price than here in Vancouver. I won't be moving until the summer, so I do have some time... but I have to admit that thinking about it now does add a little stress along with going to school and working full time. I might need a month away or something before I actually move. Just to recoup. We'll see...

It has been tough being back to Vancouver. Mainly because I had no time to rest at all. I came back on a Friday night and was back at work on Saturday and had to go to school on that Monday. Yeah... thrown right in there!!! There's just so much to process and I'm trying my best to be positive out of all of this, it's so hard. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day and just sleep to forget everything. Not a healthy thing to do, that's for sure. But wouldn't it be nice?? Just to sleep and when you wake up everything that you were worried about before you escaped to slumber-land disappeared. Ah yes. That would be nice indeed.

Well, speaking of which, gotta get some things done before I head to work. And here I go again.

Pieces falling into place

I don't want to jinx anything... but I feel as though after a few years of wondering where I was going... who I was... I'm finally getting a plan going. And it's not just random, impulsive ideas or feelings that I'm reacting on, but solid goals that I do believe I can achieve. Well that's one scary part, the other scary part is that things seem to be lining up TOO well to help my goals materialize. Maybe it's because I've actually found that fire again that I thought I lost a long time ago, and I'm pushing myself again to achieve, maybe it's fate or destiny or whatever you call it finally calling... Whatever it is, it's great but frightening. I haven't felt this alive in a long time! However, I'm fucking scared 'coz I remember when I DID feel like this before and I would see my dreams shatter right before my eyes and I would feel helpless and stupid for not knowing better. That sucked. And it took me such a long time to feel ok after seeing what reality can hit you in the face with.

Still, it would be so stupid to turn away from this fire inside of me just because of fear. So hallmark I know. But it's like the old Kat is back, just a new and improved version... we'll call her version 3.0... The freakin' extreme Katmeister.

LOL! Ok now I'm just a nerd. Gotta go to work!!

More to come!

Back in Vancouver!

Wow... two and a half weeks went by SO quickly! But I had a great time. I did however come down with quite a nasty cold, which I guess inevitably happens when you are on vacation and always going out!

I will tell the tales of Toronto when I get my camera fixed... for some reason it won't turn on at all anymore. But I will fix it up and get some pics to go with my own Toronto Adventures!!

Now to get some well deserved R&R... in my OWN BED! SO EXCITING!!