Contemplative

life is just a journey of managing the bad and hopefully getting in some good in between it all

A friend of mine said that today... I guess in response to how I've been feeling lately.

Writing songs, getting shit out, can sometimes stir up the shit even more and make me feel a bit down and melancholy. But when I get in that state, I just sit at my piano and let it out... and I feel centered again... then I reflect on what I just wrote... and back I go again.

It's a pretty crazy journey right now. I am creating and writing and I love it - but I guess it's not out there yet for everyone to hear... I know it will get there, but I have this desire to inspire and share my journey with everyone out there, and hopefully connect with mostly everyone and help them through their journey. Being who I am can be a bit lonely, and I tend to go inside myself and lost in my thoughts ... and in one way, it can get me sad, but then on the flipside I write an awesome song about it. A lot of songs are reflecting things that have happened in my life. Not all good. Then this great thing comes out of it, a song. I would play it for a friend or two and it would be one of the most amazing songs they've heard...

It's definitely something that keeps me going in this crazy journey. I know somehow I'm connecting to people with my songs. And it pushes me to grow even more and find other ways to connect... I'm already planning my live shows, when I get things going with the band, it's going to be more than just coming to any normal show, I'm definitely animated when I'm up on stage and I'm a different person up there so the shows are going to be something else I'm going to use to connect to people.

That's why it's been lonely... I don't really connect with people normally - through talking... LOL! But I guess that's why I am still doing music, it's what keeps me grounded somehow and I know that people that do hear it are somewhat knowing who I really am.

I've had a hard time showing who I am normally in a typical social setting. It's weird... I guess it's because I see so many people tangled in their social fabric and they are not real. And it's hard for me to be real in return. Or when I am real and honest about how I feel, it makes them feel weird and they don't want to deal with someone who's wearing her heart on her sleeve. I feel like sometimes people are in their state of "happy" and not really dealing with what's inside. But then again, some people don't really have an outlet like I do.

I just want to be able to connect with everyone one common ground - that ground to me is my music. I feel I've been struggling with having that true connection with someone or anyone, and I feel that this way - through performing, singing, playing my piano - will maybe have someone see the real me and see that I am something more through the social fabric.

I've been contemplative lately, as you can tell, and I know it's because I'm going to have my first gig as the main act at the Wired Monk and it's all my original stuff and I'm basically putting my heart on a platter for everyone. And I'm nervous. I just hope that I'll connect with at least one person in that audience. We'll see...